sallydays

big classic looooooves

2009-11-27T12:56:00.002+11:00

FABULOUS!

i've been trying to make a big medallion for my sunshine range and what i've made so far ain't so good. gotta keep working in it. i LOVE big medallions! 2 pics above from the sartorialist

111

2009-11-23T18:49:00.001+11:00

2009-06-04T22:34:00.002+10:00

i feel a desperate need to put it out into the universe that my heart is aching tonight.
i also feel a desperate need to say - 1hour after i eat i fart and those farts smell exactly like what i just ate 1 hour ago.
pad thai farts tonight.
i'm lonely. bored. desperate to bury myself somewhere that is nowhere and far away from my mess of a life. i am wishing for something GOOD to happen in my life.
i have gone back on the pill today. i've been off it for 2 years and now i'm back on it.
my period is getting too painful for me to bear now and i want good 'fulfilling' sex again.
2 valid reasons.
i hate this feeling i have. of desperation/frustration to be nowhere and everywhere.
i hate ////////// when i type it, in my head i say blah blah 'slash' blah blah. i hate that.
i also hate that i feel like this and i'm listening to coldplay.
i'm going back to my knitting and attempting to go to sleep before 12am.
most likley i'll go to bed at 2am and wake up at 10.23am for coffee with friend and then come back to bed. my favourite place to be right now.
it's been raining for 3 weeks. L has been away for 2. i've been lonely for 1.
back to bed. back to knitting. back to aching heart.

i'm out

2006-11-10T21:27:00.000+11:00

i'm going to stick to my guns. believe in myself and not offer any apologies for my previous post. not that it has been requested of me (it hasn't, maybe no-one will talk to me ever again! hehe)
i'v had a really big realisation. the reason i reacted the way i did yesterday is BECAUSE...

i'v always had a little private dream of living overseas far far far away from everything that is my life as i know it. so that i can allow myself to think for myself, be whoever i feel like being and do whatever i feel like doing. essentially i'm doing that with a few compromises ie. i have family and friends all around me and a lover that i will never let go of.
but i know now that what i'm really fighting is this chance to let go of the square that is me and REALLY be who i want to be. no holding back. really believing myself. being completly true to myself and in turn everyone around me.

so i'v decided that this is going to be my last post on this blog...maybe forever...i don't know.
i'll still update with lachie on our travel blog and i'll still be totally commited to checking everyones blogs every chance i get but no more from sallydays at this point in my life. EMAIL me if you want. i'm really the best in the world at correspondence.
lots of love and peace and recycling
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck that shit!

2006-11-10T01:44:00.000+11:00

i can understand the frustration of the past two comments in terms of all the things i'v said in this blog over the past year or so. i can understand people freaking out at what i say.
yes it's a crazy bitch that i am obsessed with a skinny ass model, yes it's a crazy biatch that i'm not 'taking the easy quick path to enlightenment'.
but YO! this is my path, this is my life, this is my choice. i love accept and respect yall. just because i'm younger, searching and not so wise doesn't mean theres a space for you to talk to me like i'm a idiot! i'm just not on your path.
i love hearing others point of view. but please don't put your shit on me. because i know i don't put my shit on you.
thank you.

mossy pastures

2006-11-08T21:44:00.000+11:00

a tiny bit obessed with kate moss right now and how could i not be? she's in every newspaper and magazine over here. she's an icon. imagine the pressure she'd be under. i wonder what extent of emotional and psycological stress she goes through?

the brick wall...

2006-11-07T22:35:00.000+11:00

so i look at all these courses and i immediatly don't think that i can do it. ali defined what i thought was a commitment problem...i don't believe in myself.
it totally makes sense.
that's why i never want to commit to loosing weight. because i don't believe i have the power to come through. whats that about? why don't i believe in myself and how do i turn that around?
i'v come to realise with my relationship with lachie that i believe in this relationship. lachie believes in this relationship. so when one of us is having doubts the other one re-inforces the belief in the other. we make a stand for each other. it's really been quite powerful and i feel so blessed and proud that i'v created that in my life. (i just shed a little tear over that)
so i need to create this in other areas of my life. in all other areas of my life. i just don't believe in myself enough to commit to doing it. so weird that i can say that and still believe that.
i'm starting to get confused now...
i need a breather...

back track

2006-11-07T22:03:00.000+11:00

hey nenene thanks for your support! after i wrote that i actually felt REALLY bad. i mean, i don't ever want to be talked down to but at the same time i feel really pissed at myself for being in this situation. it's been a downward spiral since yesterday afternoon. i feel down and frustrated with myself. i just wish i would decide exactly what i want to do in my career, for it to just hit me on the head with a big fat 'YES! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!'
it's not horseheads fault that he's an asswipe.
things i would love to do:
-jewellery design
-fashion buying
-fashion forcasting
-my own business?
-shoe design
maybe i should study jewellery design and then have my own business...?
i'll look into it now...i know they do it at central saint martins school of fashion and design

ewww

2006-11-07T03:54:00.000+11:00

theres about 65% of me that really hates this job. what am i doing here? theres about 15% of me that loves it because i can bludge most of the day away on the internet. mmm stimulating and theres about 20% of me that thinks this is good experiance.
yep. answering phones, making tea as soon as the boss walks in, organising parties, arranging the fruit bowl and filing are just a few of the things i can't wait to add to my list of talents after working here. tonight the boss is a bit drunk i think and quite awful in his manner. i feel like i just had my soul sucked out of me. i don't like being talked down to. it's ok i'm writing this only minutes after he talked to me in that way. and fuck him and his horses i'm going home.

day 1

2006-11-03T00:39:00.000+11:00

i feel a bit lonely today.
i feel so lucky to have lachie for so many reasons. 1 of them is- i can vent to him at any time day or night. now that he's gone i have no-one to vent to. no-one else in my life that i can go BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to.

:-(

i can't complain

2006-11-02T01:07:00.000+11:00

everything has been so amazing and wonderful for me lately. although it's strange in the past week my tummy has gone haywire and has been trying to get everything i eat out of my body asap (painful and embarressing) i have about 3 ulcers in my mouth, and now lachies nan has passed away and he's on a flight tonight back to australia.
i always wonder the depth of everything and everyone.
i wonder why all of a sudden i am feeling run down. i'v been a wide range of foods. i'v been going to bed early. is it just that it's getting colder. people are coughing on the train. is that all it is? or is it something deeper. that i'm unaware of. now that i'v shed a big heavy layer off...was it emotionally exhuasting, thus, i'm feeling run down from all the stress? i read these symptons as stress on my body and that i have to be gentle with myself. so i guess thats all that matters. but it's interesting. i was thinking (in contaxt of an email i got from lovely lisa in the S.C. who's son had the emergency appendix surgery) wondering why and how amazing it is that the body can reject, react to certain things. i wonder the best way to access our bodies on a deeper level to be able to be in control of our body...meditation? or, go with the flow of what goes on in our bodies. the whole love and acceptance path.
on a different subject
i was half watching a show that ali was immersed in last night about a spanish painter who's exhibition in london was being 'observed/critiqued' by an art critique, he was going on and on about these paintings like what he was saying was really what was going on while the painter was creating these 'masterpeices'. which was obviously enrolling and perhaps true. but it seemed that with sooo much story around each peice of art, how much of it can really be true?
speculation.
to me it seems that the art critique is like a metaphor for people in general. like a painting, people present themselves just as they are or how they like to be presented and then other people come along and put them into boxes, stereotypes, stories about who they are and how they live. they judge them, tell them how they could be better, disagree with them dis-like them. and what right do these people have? i hope you know where i'm going with this because i don't. hehe i'm going to simplify

i don't like art critiques. i think that anything can be good or bad art depending on your point of view. (so random of me to write about this!)
i'v really taken on in my life that what people say isn't the law, i don't have to take on what they say. it's just a point of view.
i wonder about depth. and how much meaning can we really put to anything? do you think everything is empty and meaningless or do you think that there are layers and layers and layers to everything?
what is success to you? ( i would really like to know what everyone who reads this blog thinks 'success' is to them)
i'm going to miss lachie :-( he is going to miss out on going to brussels with ali and i (his idea) this coming weekend and a road trip to cornwall next weekend. booooooooooo! AND he gets to cuddle scout before i do! BOOOOOOOOO!!

p.s. i'm sorry if this is a super boring meaningless post...i like to write like this to form my p.o.v on things. i'v now got a headache from thinking about stuff so much and from lack of sleep due to stress and sadness and awareness of lachies nan. we light a candle for her to see us down here holding each other in memory of her, last night.

i can feel it...

2006-10-26T19:15:00.000+10:00

i really can feel it.

this layer of old skin is peeling off.

it feels good.

the other day i realised that

if i want to be successful in my life i have to know WHAT exactly i want

i find that people who are successful in their lives,

no matter what it is...

know exactly what they want

because they have a clear vision they create what they want in their lives.

i'v always wanted to do this and do that

but what has always made my ears prick up is people talking about running small businesses

how interesting it would be to study and get a degree in business!

this is the first time in my life that i'v seriously considered going to university!

WHOA!

i'v been exercising...

theres no crap around it. i really want to exercise. go for swims and bike rides around richmond park. i'v been so enjoying! lets see where this takes me. i'm up for the challenge.

watch this space...

finding my rainbow wings

2006-10-19T23:05:00.000+10:00

right now i feel like i'm coming out of my cocoon but really struggling. i know that once i'm out everything will be so wonderful and i'm half out but have had a few dark days realising that i'm the product of my decisions (which i'm happy about) and this is my life (which i love) and that i can't go back (which is fine!) but just a little bit scary.
i remember when i was sailing in turkey and we were told that 'this is where you can jump off the ledge up there and it's really deep and safe' and i though. phhhf! thats not THAT high. all the other girls were too chicken and i thought 'wow! either i'm really brave or they are all silly girls! ' anyhoo so i raced to the top and when i got there it was REALLY high and i KNEW that i couldn't turn around as it was all sharp and hard to climb on. i stood there for about 5mins with everyone psycing me out and i told everyone to shut-up and it went quiet and i jumped! (it was about 13 metres!) i STILL have problems with my tailbone from that jump but FFFUCK! i felt SO proud of myself for doing it. i didn't need everyone around me telling me it was going to be ok, it's not that bad, just do it! i did it when i was ready.
i think that's the BEST analogy for whats going on with me right now.

teeny update

2006-10-14T20:53:00.000+10:00

just been working. wanting to get email at home so i can spill more. can't concentrate when lots of people are around. but happy. loving my home and my life.
xxx

love

2006-10-07T20:39:00.000+10:00

thankyou sisters for your words of wisdom! i needed some encouraging warm words.
i'm doing much better now. for a starters doing TONS of walking (not even by choice!). don't feel quite so tight now. and our home is perfect an cosy and happy and everythings perfect!
lachie got a job yesterday which he is SO happy about and makes a big difference for us.
i'v been working at estee lauder head quaters for M.A.C. they'v asked me back on monday so i'm HOPING it might turn into a full time job somehow...right now i'm wearing fluro blue mascara, gold eye shadow and pink blush. mmm
today is saturday and not rainy (the last 3 days at work it's been pouring) lachie and i are going to camden markets for stockings and other stuff so have to go but wanted to update and tell yall how much i love you and thankyou for your support and love.
xxx

numb

2006-10-02T08:21:00.000+10:00

you know when you are in a dark room with a computer or a tv and it's not on and theres nothingness in the room. and then you turn it on and your whole reality in the room changes?
well i'm sitting on the couch at pauls place. it's 11:30pm and i can't sleep. lachies lying on the blowup right next to me trying to fall asleep. it's been an emotional few days. i'm feeling so overwhelmed by everything going on in my life that i'm starting to numb and i need to spill...
firstly, for those who don't know bean had her baby girl. scout willow. the pictures of her are so gorgeous. i am constantly thinking about what c&b are doing RIGHT now. how they are feeling. i imagine this new baby being like the best christmas present in the world. new and exciting and changing and developing. i wish so much that i could hold this baby. smell it. watch my sister and b parenting it. HER.
h and i have been butting heads. i feel like my biggest struggle is for my family to accept me just the way i am and just the way i'm not. perhaps i don't accept me and thats where the struggle is? perhaps i take stuff too personally. perhaps i always accept that everything that people get upset about is my fault. maybe i do have lots of things that i 'need to learn' to do and be.
i have this horrible pain in my chest. i am so convinced right now that i am wrong. theres a thought in my head that i should be at home in sydney. just being fat, even fatter then i already am. working a shitty job. driving a fat old single womans car. with pudgy fingers and long fake nails and chain smoking and not caring but caring in a lots of makeup and fake nails sort of way. sometimes i surprise myself to realise that i'm in london and have done some amazing travel and here with a boy that i just can't stop looking at and loving more and more everyday.
lately i'v noticed that alot of really pretty girls are heavy. and i'm not saying that i'm really pretty but i don't think i'm ugly. but i wonder if they don't think they deserve to be pretty and healthy. or that they arn't good enough.
i am so NOT at ease with my body. as i sit here i can see my gut hanging out like it's never done before. my fingers, my toes, my neck, my back my whole body is fat. about 90% of my life right now is really uncomfortable to be living in this body.
when i sit down i'm really aware of my gut not showing too much through my shirt. or my legs showing or my arse appearing any bigger then it is. i don't ever bend over right in front of anyone any more because in my mind all they are thinking about it my arse. i'm worried about seeing people who haven't seen me for a while and that they will quietly take note that i'v put on a few more pounds. generally when i see people who'v put on a few more pounds i think that they are not in a good or healthy place. being fat sucks.
i wonder if it's better to be honest with myself and talk more about being fat. not pretend that i'm not really fat, not talk about my body with lachie. right now i cringe every time he touches me. i keep thinking that all he can think about when he's touching me is 'whoa she's gotten even FATTER!'
h always comments about her and i being fat to the kids and to me and it makes me wonder if thats healthier then not talking about it and pretending that being fat is normal and ok.
i feel like running until i become hard.
i'm tired of trying to figure stuff out and feeling like i have to be learning lessons all the time.
hopefully tomorrow we are moving into our new place if not then the next day. i will be able to take all my stuff out of bags for the first time in 5 months!
lachie and i are really struggling to be happy personally at the moment. tears are being shed often in our bubble. everything feels hard slow and low. i know that right now i'v never seen lachie so low in our whole relationship. it's pathetic but i really take it on as my fault. but the other half of me also knows that this is the most challenged either of us have ever been in terms of surviving and it's not like we are strapped for cash, sleeping on the streets, starving and freezing cold. emotionally this is the biggest roller coaster. mostly we are at the bottom of the big steep scary hills but i know that with this low comes a really big high. lachie is constantly talking about home. going home. the beach season starting. missing out. i hope the high comes soon...
moments like these where everything is going on i just want to pop out of existance for a while, not think, breath in my own space, let everything settle around me, make everyone think i'm gone and miss me and then come back and everyone be so happy to see me and realise that the way i am is fine. and learn to just accept me as i am. that would be nice.

and a few more

2006-09-29T20:04:00.000+10:00

can't believe she's giving birth right now!

what cheeeezy grins. pretending to be happy the last time we said goodbye :-(

a few pictures i like right now...

2006-09-29T19:57:00.000+10:00

how bizaar

2006-09-29T19:49:00.000+10:00

yesterday was the wierdest day...ever...
i went to this job interview and realised that i was a bit fooled into thinking i was 'special' as there were 15 other 'special people' there too. it was a group type interview that was basically a very successful american (FREAK) man trying to pick some 'A type' people to run over100 telecomunication stores about to open up all over the uk. wasn't i going to an interview for a position as a P.A!?!?!? BIZ-AAR!
anyway i was told to call about around 4pm to find out if i got the job...WHAT JOB!? and i didn't get it....WHAT EFFING JOB!?!?!?
so weird. anyway it was a unforgetable experiance and i learnt a few things about myself. such as- i don't have enough confidence in myself to make big decisions for myself without other people validating me first. that i don't think i'm good enough to put myself REALLY out there and take risks. or maybe i don't trust my own integrity. i dunno but it's definatly something i need to work out.
i'v been thinking lately about WHEN am i going to do all the things in my life that i REALLY want to do!? like- design jewellery, shoes, cards, do stuff with my little guy, have a fun job, do belly dancing...theres SO much i want to do and i want to do it all. not right now but take the risks, put myself out there, think outside the box, take initiative in my life.
blah blah blah
my sisters in labour!!
that's all i can really think about right now!!!!!!!!!
YAY!

update # 2

2006-09-28T08:33:00.000+10:00

sooo...the phone interview went VERY well. before i forget i'd like to mention (because i KNOW dad reads this) that one of the ten quick questions they asked me was who is your role model and why? the first person who came to my head was dad so i said 'my dad, because he's 'very successful' in business and he's a good man!' tehee love you dad!
so they rang back at 8:15pm after i'd assumed i didn't get through to the next round. the HR director said that he was SO impressed with me, my maturity, running my own business and my general demeanor that he has booked me for an interview tomorrow morning with the MD and has told the MD that he thinks i should be going for a much better role then just PA and that i should be getting a managers role! he said 'don't be surprised if you walk out of the interview with a much better job than you applied for!'!!!!
so feeling very good about myself and very excited about tomorrow but don't want to get my hopes up. but thought it's fun to share this little job 'experiance' with you!
fingers AND toes crossed!

update:

2006-09-28T00:27:00.000+10:00

we got the apartment! yippie! will post pictures of it soon. we move in on saturday i think.
the phone interview went wonderfully i thought. will find out in the next few hours if i will have a face to face interview or not. the interviewer said he LOVED the photo i sent in. hehe. i bet that alone got me a phone interview. it was very refreshing as he is american and was so encouraging. his aim was to bring the best out in me and not intimidate me. was lovely experiance.
FINGERS CROSSED EVERYONE!
x

time keeps on keeping on

2006-09-27T20:05:00.000+10:00

i can't believe how FAST time flies. i can't believe it's already wednesday!

so much has been happening in my life i don't really know where to start...

right now i'm applying for a million great jobs that i know i could do

there was one job that requested no CV just a picture and why they should hire me so i sent them this...

and told them that i'm super sexy, fun loving, up for a good time and available allll night long.

well... i got a reply and they'v narrowed it down to 16 from 200+ applicants!

don't worry dad i didn't really write that i'm "fun loving".

teehee

what i did write is that i had my business at 19

i'm motivated

happy

blah blah blah

so the phone interview is today. i shouldn't really be writing this till AFTER the interview but i desperatly need a distraction and this is the best way i'v found so far...

we are also about 99% close to getting the most awsome place ever.

it's an old coach house

very different

very cool

right next to richmond park which is a beautiful fenced off park where the queen keeps her deer.

YAY!

last weekend we went camping which was ALOT of fun but plan on updating that on our other blog

there is alot going on and it's a crazy emotional up and down ride

i wouldn't say i'm LOVING every minute of it but it's definatly challenging me every moment

derrrrr sal!

2006-09-18T01:45:00.000+10:00

i just realised that i spent 1000hours uploading photos to the wrong blog. i can't BEAR to delete them from mine so have just done the whole thing AGAIN on our 'middle name adventure' blog.
no need for confusion.
starting to feel better. my cold really knocked me off my feet.
lachie and i finally had a fight last night and then gave it up and made out.
the tension was getting too much i guess.
yesterday, saturday holly and jeff were in a thames boat race so i took oscar (samuel was a doing landmark course) on a 5 km charity walk around the thames and across the bridges. it was so fun to see parts of london i didn't even know existed.
tomorrow morning at 9am i am going into a recruitment company to registar and then going to kew gardens with lachie and a cool older gay couple from sydney (family friends of lachies). it's our 4 years tomorrow!
whoa!

croatia-on land

2006-09-18T01:02:00.000+10:00

oscar in an alleywaysplit at night

plivitica lakes

beautiful debrovenik

thanks to dad and holly for a few of these great shots too.

dummit

2006-09-15T06:45:00.000+10:00

i'm sick, tired. i only left the house once today to get some grocerys out of hollys car. i am avoiding looking at jobs. although lachie does spend about 8 hours every day on the computer!
this is the tough bit. the hard bit where everything isn't happening straight away. i know this is a big thing for lachie. i can tell he's so out of his comfort zone. so things are a bit stressful and i'm avoiding the best i can. by being sick and not being able to do anything!
.......

back to normal whatever that is!

2006-09-13T08:20:00.000+10:00

on the eurostar from paris back to london, massivley hungover and tired with a capital T.
we got back from parieeeee today. TOMORROW i will start looking for a job and a place to live. i feel like we REALLY did paris really well. feels good. LOVE paris! i got such a different view of the place. lachie truley decided he doesn't want to live there and i'm ok with that for now. but definatly keen to learn french and travel lots in france. a few times on the street people mistook me to be a local which was FUN! teehee

i realised two things while i was walking around the musee d'orsey in paris (full of renoir, monet,...total blank...)

1. i want to be and will be more present in my friends lives. that for the last 4 years i'v been really needy of lachie. that now, while in paris i realised, i feel fulfilled in my relationship with lachie and ready to give myself to those around me. a freeing feeling!

2. the best life experiance, the best tools i'v gathered, the best education for me has been and is in travelling. and in this i have realised

3. that everything i need, is within me.

4. that it seems alot of people only hear what they want to hear. surround themselves with things that work for them and think that their lives are the right way which i'v realised keeps them from living a full life. as in being challenged. what helps you grow more than being challanged? the last 4 months i'v been challenged more then i have in the past 23years of my full and wonderful life.

i'm embracing challange!

lac and i are HANGING out to hear news on bean and her baby...

who bean btw has become the most incredible and inspring woman since being pregnant. like a true goddess. i feel like i don't even know this new powerful woman. and sad to missing out on this amazing transformation. GO bean!

we both wish that we could be home to meet whatever it turns out to be...an...

i'v put on about 500kilos since travelling. especially in malta (all the amazing pastas-the best pasta i'v ever had was a ravioli with porcini mushrooms and truffle!mmmm!! i LOVE truffle) and in paris (the cheapest and yummiest things to eat are bagettes which sometimes we had 2-3 a day!) and looking FORWARD to getting into a routine. cooking yummy food in MY kitchen (wierd to write that out of my head) eating stir-frys, yummy sandwiches, going for big walks, going for swims with lachie, doing pilates videos in my tiny livingroom where ever that may be...

read a really good book while in paris called 'the kite runner'. it put a bit of a different perspective on afghanistan...and another good/different book 'on beauty' by zadie smith.

h&j are watching 'lost' right now and i'm TIRED but can't really go to bed so just wasting time...'lost' sux...

lalalalalalala

south west of the 4

2006-08-28T08:41:00.000+10:00

whooa nelly! what a massive weekend. yes. this is salamanda on sallydays fm.
no really...
it was so much fun!
there is such a fun mix of people here. i made friends with a gorgeous israel girl and her cute english boyfriend, a german girl living in rome who said i can stay with her anytime i 'happen' to be in the area. sweeeet.
so we danced and danced and then when carl cox came on (banging massive black dj) it POURED AND POURED massive rain drops and we brought ponchos and danced around in the mud and rain. so fun! there was so much happiness and love and ass slapping (don't ask). today we played and played and played beach volleyball in jeffs warehouse. i LOVE that game. i could play that game until i collapse.
then holly and strolled down to richmond to watch dusk turn into night and drink cider on the river. lovely.
and to top off a great weekend we watched 'fun with dick and jane' and laughed our pants off!
yay!
tomorrow is nottinghill carnival. a 'must do' i believe. and then 4am on tuesday we are heading off to malta for the week. yippppie!
i still feel so high from all the fun and dancing and exercise. lalalalalalala

dark nights

2006-08-24T06:43:00.000+10:00

we are ok, but it's funny.
we are going crazy for our own space but keep putting it back. this time next week we will be partying in malta.
the week after we are going to paris.
but we have started to go a wee bit crazy.
when the day finally ends and we crawl into bed we dream about our beds.
our space
sleeping on the living room floor with the dog and the early morning weetbix kids inspires our dreams.
not that we don't appreciate it but it's hard for everyone.
yesterday while wondering around nottinghill i felt sooo settled with myself.
delighted to be here.
lachie complains already about the clouds hanging low but i'm cool with it.
i bought a french language text book to start learning french.
iv bought crayons, pens and good paper to get serious about my drawings.
a comment was made that i 'already have too much stuff' which is cool.
it made me realise that i really am living right now.
i don't want to live temporarily.
this is my life yall.

saturday morning in richmond

2006-08-19T18:43:00.000+10:00

here i am. in my sisters house. i cant tell if i'm really tense and uptight or sooo relaxed. teehee. bit of both. lets be honest. the main reason i moved is to be on my own. do my own thing. but i'm still with family. so strange now to think that i thought i would be doing my own thing even though i'd still have my family around. nothing wrong with that though. just needing my own space like i'v never known to feel before.
on the other hand...very excited to be back in london. i really love london.
either tonight or tomorrow morning we are going out to a big festival to party.
next week we are going sight seeing in and around london, stonehenge, windsor castle, brighton, oxford etc etc etc!
next saturday we are going to a trance dance party, then monday nottinghill carnival, then tuesday malta for a week, then the 18th september is lachie and my 4 YEARS! so we are going to paris for a week(?) so much fun!
missing my sister bean and her unbornbabybean and her husbean.
xxx

hello from triangle

2006-08-16T18:44:00.000+10:00

my heart is pounding a little as to where to start on this blog....
i feel new to this like im new and this is old and i dont know where to start...
we are still at jennys house. loving jenny. she is a total inspiration to me- smart, funny, in tune, gorgeous, healthy, open, honest, real, super cool. doing her thing. LOVE having her as a friend. completly stuck in my heart forever!
tomorrow we are flying back to london where are going to a festival this weekend. i think next week we will go to one of lachies mums best friends places near stonehenge for a week till next festival and then maybe piss off for another few weeks. we just bought a lonely planet book for malta and gozo so......
i have put on more weight. but ok being in it. i definatly want to loose it and will.
i had lachie and jenny encouraging me allllllllllll the way down the running shoe testing strip. eek! noone likes to see themselves run with a fat arse in jeans on camera!! REALLY!!
so now i have some really lovely looking running shoes that are going to get well used! for real.
i noticed when i was around my family that i was so aware that i feel not good enough, fat and not accepted as who i truley am. i take full responsiblity for this and am greatful for the awareness. i äm wäääääy too hip to be square!
my back is achy from sleep and my body is begging for a good stretch. i am also aching for my own space where i can walk around naked. not worry about doing stinky poos. cook my own food. sleep in the same bed, my bed. look in my wardrobe and wear something different other then the same thing that i have been wearing for the past 2 months! pull out all my other jewels. start up the idea that lachie is constantly encouraging me with...(more on that another day).
so many ideas!
i feel very passionate, alive, happy....
tbc

is anyone still there?

2006-08-12T16:21:00.000+10:00

i miss blogging. does anyone still check this? so many times iv had big things iv needed to spill and havent been able to. im really hanging out for normality and routine again...
we are in germany at jennys house right now. lachie discovered that the world rally is on in the area so we are off to watch that for real, today.
ciao

we are alive and well...

2006-07-01T23:00:00.000+10:00

quite obviously just doing updates on other blog....

www.lacansal.blogspot.com

xxxxxxxx

new new new new shoes!

2006-06-16T06:59:00.000+10:00

lo00ve my new shoes!
we had a burger bbq tonight and a walk along the river.
christie (the dog) decided to chase ducks in the thames and everyone thought she was going to die because she wouldn't come back in and OH! MY! GOODNESS! IT WAS SUCHA DRAMA!
funny though...

2006-06-15T21:48:00.000+10:00

we leave in TWO days for moscow! YAY! feeling much better then last post. since we've left we haven't had much time on our own or on my own. so i think i was going a bit nutty!
we are going to the bank today to try and open bank accounts. lachie has got a mobile number but i haven't yet...hopefully before we leave.
was thinking about mumo last night...missing her alot. missing her warmth and cuddles. love you mum.
was thinking also about how i'm supposed to survive with crappy tap water...?
was also thinking about how excited i am to set up a home of my own (ours).
when i was canada i bought crochet dish cloths.
in amsterdam i bought lots of pretty postcards and prints to put on my walls.
and now in london i just wanna buy lots more fun stuff to fill my house with happiness and love.
was even thinking about making a quilt!!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!
yesterday i bought my first pair of birks in a long while. they are so cute i'll have to post them. needed some more 'practical walking shoes' for our trip. still desperatly need to buy some running shoes. holly and i have talked about training for a mini marathon early next year! eek!
i want to do so much while i'm here...
art classes
salsa dancing
yoga
pilates
lots of fun exercise
i really get that whole doing exercise for fun thing
when i was in canada i went with lachie to the local pool and did laps. i figured i probably did at least 20/25 laps but didn't count just did them for fun. but then yesterday we went to richmond pool (soo nice!) and 'did 22 laps' and it was sort of boring.
also the day we left canada we played frisby in the park and i was SORE for a few days afterwards!
my mission....
get out there and PLAY!
have fun!!

dutch the house down

2006-06-14T08:17:00.000+10:00

back again, in london again. having my moments. best to just look at our 'middle name adventure' blog for our trip to amsterdam. we really had the most funnest time. i loved the old old houses. the history and life of the city, the crooked buildings. the random laneways. the canals! ohhh the canals!! we were staying right on one. sooo beautiful! the weather was perfect the whole time! yes, amsterdam is my 'new' favorite city. paris is such a 'cliche'. der...as if i didn't know that. haha!
struggling with being around the same people all the time and not having a break.
struggling with people who change once they are around other people.
aching to be living in my own home with my lover.
to have my own home.
i guess i'm at that stage, cause i'm really really ready.
can't wait for our adventure to start...starting moscow on saturday!
will write more tomorrow. not in the best head space right now
x

my new home...

2006-06-08T16:36:00.000+10:00

i'v been a little freaked out about london being home. about having no security blanket. well i guess i do have holly, paul, ali..hehe but STILL a little bit freaky. i feel so happy though that i get to know my lovely boys. i LOVE this picture of them. they both have such long hair. and they are getting so big. i keep thinking boho. whata boho life they live.
we are off to amsterdam today. i have massive swollen glands. massively lacking in sleep and comfortable beds. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

more canada

2006-06-02T07:12:00.000+10:00

the weird swirly picture was actually taken in san fransisco by the talented lachie. i just had to add it cause its cute.

oh canada! my canada!

2006-06-02T06:48:00.000+10:00

like every freakin place i go to...i LOVE it here! i'm seeing it all again. remembering why i love it here again. sharing my canada with my boy. my favorite boy.
i feel so proud to be half of this country and half of australia. yay!
for some reason though i'm sooo sleepy. maybe it's the altitude? maybe it's the weather? maybe it's all the love...man.
we went for a hike today. we sat on a grassy knoll for lunch and saw two bears! one even came up to me and licked my face! (not really)
we saw the da vinci code the other night and lachie has picked up the picture book and not put it down. he hasn't read a book as long as i'v known him. i don't really feel like reading right now. i think i'm enjoying being in the moment too much. or maybe i'm just lazy?
i'm feeling so good about my life right now. really trusting who i am, what i'm doing. i don't feel scared or alone or sad (except for when i say goodbye to people i love) (who i love SO much!) i have alot of love to give. i'm really appreciating my good sense of direction. where does that come from? it's helped out alot.
we fly to vancouver on saturday and we planned on flying out again on wednesday to london but we just decided today to try and get a flight out a day earlier so as not to rush to amsterdam. i hope that works with everybody...(holly/jeff, leah/troy/troy, ali, sally, lachie)
k blabbering now. feel like saying something profound. but nothings coming to me.
so superkalifragalisticexpialidoshis!

bong on with grandma

2006-05-31T03:03:00.000+10:00

it's been a while since my last pot i mean post. appropriatly though, as theres a few things that need to be said.
can you believe my pa is reading this blog? unfortunatly he didn't like what he read in my weed smoking adventures and said his two cents about it.
so where do i go with this? this blog is my space to be completly open and whole heartedly authentic. with no qualms re:what other people think. i respect my father (and mumo) more than prolly anyone else. but do i change my ways, my beliefs, my life for them? isn't that what the past 23 years living at home were about? now i'm free. i'm flapping my wings and i LOVE it! i'm so ready to be up and out in the open. i'v got my lover to look after me in times of drive by shootings and passing out from too much weed (joke). but i'v got my head screwed on thanks to my parents. can they trust the job that they've done? maybe thats the question they should ask themselves.
pa told me to PULL MY SOCKS UP AND GROW UP.
well for one i rarely wear socks and two what the heck is grown up anyhow? buying expensive toys? ok. i admit now i'm having a dig. i love my parents, respect them no-end. and thats that.
please read the lacansal blog as we spent ages updating the last few days of our adventures. we are getting on beautifully. loving each other and enjoying each others company so much.
we are in canada now and it's SO beautiful. we are off on another adventure. exploring kelowna. and then seeing family this afternoon. it's a GORGEOUS day and i can't WAIT to get outside!
CIAO

california ninja

2006-05-26T09:54:00.000+10:00

yesterday we went for a hike at point lobos, went to the monteray aquarium, drank 3 pitchers of margaritas and chilled out.
lachie doesn't want me to write anything too revealing on our blog. we smoked a bit of weed the other night and to be cheeky i wrote about it in code. we had a fight. today i feel emotional.
he removed the 'code'. and thats the end of that. his family and grandparents (!?) are reading the blog. but so are all my work mates, friends, random people from the past. i had this struggle in the beginning with my blog. how much do i say/reveal? thats where i decided to just be completly myself and now it has opened up a huge space for me with everyone who reads my blog. they know me in my world and treat me for who i am. not who i try to be without my blog. does that make sense?

anyway so i want to post abunch of pictures. i am loving taking pictures. even if they don't turn out cool. i think they are cool.

we are going out for dinner tonight at Olitas. a mexican resturant on the wharf. tomorrow we are catching the train up to san fran for the day so lac can see all the cool touristy stuff (alcatraz, lombard street, chinatown) and then we'll meet lisa and greg at the baseball stadium to watch the giants whoop some colorado ass!

california

2006-05-25T01:07:00.000+10:00

i wonder if i'll feel the same about canada when i go again. i feel such an affinity with this place. i LOVE california, santa cruz. the whole vibe here. i LOVE IT!

wish so much that i could just live here. would it be the same? i love riding bikes, bagels, the chilled outness. i love that everyone is different. i love that i'm different.

i love that lachie loves it here too. i feel so happy and alive right now. such an addictive feeling. i feel calm and peaceful too. big deep breaths of peaceful.

i feel bad that i feel bad

2006-05-24T07:25:00.000+10:00

as always...
LOVE santa cruz
LOVE being here with my boy
even though the flight was shit. more shit then ever before. in my whole life...
it was worth it just to be here
the weather is perfect today
i'm sick and i have my period

but it's allllllllllllll good!

so happy to be living for the moment now.

this picture was taken on the boardwalk. after we went on the old skool roller coaster and got our photos done in a photo booth. and eaten bagels for lunch! YUMMMY!

2006-05-20T09:15:00.000+10:00

do it trembling if you must, but do it

if you want

lachie and my blog is

www.lacansal.blogspot.com

so hot right now

2006-05-20T08:51:00.000+10:00

can you really beat this in the so hot right now department?

(i wuv ivana)

work is over

today is my last full day in the country

i tried to sleep in this morning

after passing out trying to watch 12:30am

sex and the city

i'v got so much to do

there is stuff EVERYWHERE

i wish it was all done so it was off my shoulders

was thinking i'll get a massage

massage it all off my shoulders

what to do today:

wax my fanny (mmm!)

put all toiltries in bag

put everything left over in boxes

put boxes in attic

wax lachies 5 hairs on his manly chest

go for a bush walk

visit with grandparents

see brent

get a massage

drink wine

take some vitamins

put all throw out clothes in vinnies bin

tomorrow i'm going on a

summer holiday!

last day of work today!

2006-05-19T08:09:00.000+10:00

oh mygoodness it's come around!
this was last nights sunset at work
i wonder what tonights will be like.
we have 2 more (FUCKING) sleeps till we leave!

happy birthday papa

2006-05-19T08:01:00.000+10:00

my dad is 59 today.
i don't think he wants to get old
he seems to be getting younger
he took me out for dinner the other night
mmmmm
it was a 6 course meal
mmmmm
he gave me so much encouragement
i feel like i haven't had any encouragement from either parent for so long
he made me feel like my dreams are possible
he didn't:
put me down
be negative
discourage me
it was really really wonderful
i think i'v gotten to a point where i feel like i can do things without needing my parents for encouragement/approval
but goodness it felt good to get some real encouragement from a parent
i forgot how wonderful it is.
(this is not a dig at you mum, i still love you equally as much)

farewell party at cafe pacifico

2006-05-14T15:30:00.000+10:00

this is my super favorite rockstar friend

our favorite phrase is

'so hot right now'

ivana

woohoo!

somebody LOVES their mexican!

1 week before we start something we won't be able to stop...

i had a pretty fun night.

sort of felt detached.

maybe it was the margaritas?

lost my id card

birthdays

parties over now

1 week today we'll be sitting on a plane flying to SANTA CRUZ!!

woohoo!

my new fresh hair!

2006-05-14T15:23:00.000+10:00

how wonderful it is to have new hair after 4 months!

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to!

2006-05-12T13:38:00.000+10:00

thankyou mary-soup!
yes it is my birthday today
23
i always said i'd be a millionaire by 22...
last night i made my final attempt
bought a lottery ticket for the $22 million lottery draw.
didn't win...
oh well!
always next year! or this year!
the mother-in-law is coming for dinner tonight
i'm actually really looking forward to it!
so lets talk about how i REALLY feel
i'v just realised that i am always anxious on my birthday
i woke up sort of wishing the day was already over.
i feel teary and emotional.
i feel sort of special cause it's engrained into me that today is a special day. my special day.
but its just another day, the only difference is that everyone makes more of an effort for me.
why don't i feel like i deserve it?
i remember when i was a kid and all my friends were singing happy birthday to me and i was so embarrased that i ran and hid in a corner
today at work people are having cake for me at 3pm. it's 1:45pm. 1 hour and 15min.
i'm DREADING it!
i'm so glad that tomorrow night the party is more about lac and me (our farewell/my birthday) then just me.
deep breaths...in...and out...

beautiful skies in the office jungle

2006-05-10T17:13:00.000+10:00

magnificent!

unconditional

2006-05-10T13:12:00.000+10:00

i wonder how different our lives would be if shame were eliminated from every single ounce of our being...
"By the way, the hardest part of unconditional Love is accepting wherever we are at in the moment no matter how uncomfortable. The hardest part of acceptance is not the difficulty of allowing others their process (although Lord knows that can be very hard); it is allowing ourselves our own process without shame and judgment.I can do that now most of the time. I know now that when it feels like crap it is not punishment, it is not because I am bad or wrong or defective. . . What I know now is that when it feels like shit that means that I am being fertilized to help me grow." ~Robert Burney

this was stolen from jen grays blog. i thought it so appropriate for me that i had to steal it from her and read it every five minutes till i GET IT!

how to say..?

2006-05-09T21:36:00.000+10:00

on our way to dinner tonight i said " i'm hungry i want to eat!"
mr blind barry (dads bestest buddy) laughed and said (among other things like 'ummm we are on our way to dinner') ' you are a 'now' person'
DAMMIT!! i AM!! right now i feel like i'm in the middle of a really steep learning curve and i'm starting to feel REALLY impatient!
i tried on a pair of "FAT" jeans tonight...
i couldn't even do them up. and the thing is- i haven't tried them on for so long with the knowing that they won't but i went ahead and did it anyway tonight. made me feel like SHITE.
SHIT! i'v been writing this blog and getting fatter and fatter!
whats next?
i learn how to be ok with being a size 25???
how long is it going to be before i get it, pull my finger out of my stinky bumhole and loose weight!!??

i would like to acknowledge lachie who said 'keep trying sal' (instead of saying something along the lines of 'well you know sal, you got to do this and youv got to do that' i shut down when he says that)

i'd also like to acknowledge cherry who acknowledged today that i am slowly starting to figure it out. what exactly i dont know but the peices are coming together...
arghh
feeling sooooo frustrated!!!

thinnyskin

2006-05-08T20:51:00.000+10:00

ohhh i wish i looked like this again!

i think i look sexy!

it is slowly slowly sinking in.

exercise is the key to a healthy life

healthy food is the key to a healthy life

doesn't it makes sense to want to love and look after ouselves and one another?

please tell me why we are so harsh on ourselves

is ignorance really blisss in this case?

i so desperatly want to look after myself

so when am i going to?

i see myself doing it in the future but not now

this is a very strong pattern in my life

how can i get really focused?

to be fit slim and healthy

in control of my body now

BliSS?

2006-05-05T10:15:00.000+10:00

today is day 2 after the op. can only type with one hand. it's feeling better but have to be really careful with it up until we leave...not sure how i'm going to handle my bags and packing...
lachie is much better too. he got his splints out of his nose yesterday and seems almost back to normal.
2 weeks till we leave!!

today

2006-05-02T13:53:00.000+10:00

i am not ok today.
i feel completly overwhelmed.
stressed
sick
soooo tired
freaked out by surgery tomorrow
freaked out by lachies surgery yesterday, seeing him so vulnerable
freaked out in general
not ok
ate the hamburger and chips that i didn't eat yesterday
hating that i was so 'ok' yesterday and so 'not' today

dear anonymous

2006-05-01T16:18:00.000+10:00

i really want to acknowledge you for being a person of the world. to care enough for someone you don't know and to be honest enough to speak your feelings.
thankyou

when i read your comment i immediatly got defensive. i don't like being told bad things about my relationship. but over the day i'v been cool with and really greatful that an extraordinary human being has brought this to my attention. i know that people closer to me have also brought this to my attention and i acknowledge you also. (although i'm sure you understand how different it is coming from someone who doesn't know me at all)

to put it into perspective. i am a 22 (almost 23!) year old woman. living, breathing, learning, growing everyday.
i understand looking in retrospect, as i look at pictures of myself in my teens and think 'holy shit, i was like so totally hot then and i had sooo many issues going on with my body then, imagine what i'll be thinking looking back on this stage of my life!'
i HEAR you on that one.

right now i'm seeing myself as a total metamorphis of my mum and i'm not ok with that. my mum is a beautiful loving person but she is NOT ok with her body and as long as i'v known her she's struggled.

i am so greatful to mum in that way because it makes me so aware of whats going on for me.
whats going on for me is shitty but it's ok. i'm learning and growing and soo aware of my feelings for myself. i believe that lachlan is a reflection of how i feel.

i know that the relationship i have with lachlan is honest, loving, authentic and our commitment to each other is really wonderful. i talked to him this morning about your comment and i asked him how he felt about my body. i trust him enough to believe that what he said today was the truth. which is that he loves me and is happy and loves my body. but he said he does find it hard because i'm not happy with my body. like i said he's a reflection of me. so i'm ok with him struggling with my body.

he is also young. and our relationship is young. we are constantly growing and learning and loving each other more everyday. we communicate how we feel all the time. we are 100% commited to this relationship and each other.

more than anything your message has inspired me to keep growing. keep learning and keep loving.

i totally get your comments (c and m-s as well). i haven't talked about whats been going on for me lately with my body. a little while ago my friend anna said that there is no way that i'll ever loose weight unless i accept myself and my body now. since then i'v tried that weight loss program and it made me sick (allergys that i'm getting treated for now).
you know how when your really aware of something it seems to be allllll around you (like pregnant women?)
well it's been like that for me with accepting my body. i just read an article yesterday in one of mums magazines that is THE ONE.
among other things the woman talks about how diets are a load of shit unless you accept your body. there isn't any point in loosing weight if your still going to be unhappy when it's all gone. you'll still find something wrong. learn to look after yourself and love yourself. go for walks because it's beautiful not because you HAVE TO.
and i know that i'v heard all this before from family/friends/magazines etc
but i'm ready to hear it and take it in now.
we all are/ i am a work in progress. lifes a journey. and i'm soooo content with that.
i'm so aware right now and it's a beautiful way to be. last night i had a sentence running through my head.
my hearts hurting but i'm aware. this gave me soo much inner strength.

prime example of being aware (i'v realised that i haven't been aware like this ever before)
today i found out that i am definatly going to be having surgery on wednesday, lachlan is having surgery today. i went into my old salon today and she didn't give me a discount on some foundation. i have a cold and feel soo run down. basically feeling stressed out internally.

hehehe
all i could think about was stopping at macdonalds on the way home. this is my way of self sabbotage. i know how much it will hurt my body and how sick it will make me. but i WANTED IT NOW!

i was soo aware that i was wanting to sabotage myself that i talked myself out of it.
probably one of the first times i'v ever done that.

SO...
i'm LEARNING slowly to love myself. accept myself. and lachie is too.
i love you all and thankyou all for being a true example of love and support for a fellow woman and human being.

sp2&3-justforfun

2006-04-29T14:47:00.000+10:00

5 revolutionary seconds

2006-04-29T13:20:00.000+10:00

this morning i went to the MCA
secretly i love going to art gallerys by myself
acutally i think most times im happier in them on my own.
i feel: free, strange, independant, inspired, whole
theres a real theme in sydney at the moment with portraits
i'v seen 5 portait exhibitions in past few months
i totally get it too
i think i'd rather do my own portaits then of someone else.
life is such a journey
why waste it studying someone else
when you could be spending that time
studying yourself
growing and expanding and taking steps forward
for yourself
i read somewhere the other day
theres nothing more important than looking after yourself
for then, you can look after others more wholley
actually i just pulled that out of my bum
but it makes sense to me.

so here's my first self portrait of 2006

what does this mean to you?

buying and selling

2006-04-28T16:45:00.000+10:00

i hate the whole 'thing' of selling stuff. i have the same feeling as when i was selling my business. it's not like i'm selling a bobbypin. i'm selling a car. it's alot of money to me. so it's like i'm on edge and feel a bit nervous. sort of like i'm going for a job interview. like if i say the wrong thing then i won't get the job OR sell the business. OR my car for that matter.
the people were going to come and look at my car while i was at work yesterday and never showed up. i was SOOOO anxious all afternoon and ended up calling them (oh! but i don't want to seem too keen etc) said that her husband must of run out of time and that they'd call later on that night or today sometime....

no call...

CAN'T LET IT GO-MO-FO!

tsubi book...

2006-04-27T20:42:00.000+10:00

what i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want is this for my birthday!

etsy

2006-04-27T14:13:00.000+10:00

for all you craftys out there here's a really cool website. like ebay, for people who like handmade stuff.
www.etsy.com
this necklace is on that website. if anyone wants to buy it for me click here wink wink

lac and i put my car online last night and i'v got someone coming to look at it RIGHT NOW!! EEEK!!!
bye bye beep beep

the sky is SPECTACULAR

2006-04-26T17:21:00.000+10:00

I initially took this pic for the super shiney building. but then....5 mins later this MASSIVE rainbow came by and oh my!! Love a good rainbow! esp. when i'm in a business park/building hell. yum!

everythings really funny

2006-04-25T10:01:00.000+10:00

this is the coolest peice of graffiti i'v ever seen

EVERRR

i found it

here

i have a whole book on graffiti in melbourne(random peice of info)

LOVE the stuff

does my butt look big in this?

2006-04-25T09:44:00.000+10:00

oh what a WONDERFUL morning it's been! today is anzac day. think of the people who died for this country. yes.
instead of doing that i woke up to my gorgeous boyfriend telling me that my butt doesn't look good in jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apparently last night at candies apartment (club) i knocked out cold one of lacs friends with my ass! and i didn't even know! and then they laughed at me!
ok. i sort of feel hurt and upset. but i'm not sure why...heres the thing...i feel like its just the funniest thing ever!
WATCH OUT THIS GIRLS GOT A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION IN HER BEEHIND!
yeah! i LIKE it!
i feel the urge to now write about how i am trying to accept my body and how i am so fat blah blah blah but i'm just not gonna. we all know that already.
so. i just wanted to share the wonderful news. the news all girls want to know. the unanswerable question. the ONE thing we really want our boyfriends/husbands/manhores to tell us the nottruth about....
does my butt look big in this?

CAR FOR SALE

2006-04-24T16:58:00.000+10:00

yes, it's time to for me to say goodbye to beep beep! my beloved car of 6 years has to move to a new owner. (WAAAHHHH)
if anyone who lives in NSW Australia needs a car JUST like this please give me your email and i'll let you buy it...or if you know anyone who needs a car...forward this on. it's got low km's 55,600kms to be exact.

3 weeks and 5 1/2 days till....

2006-04-24T14:12:00.000+10:00

we leave
i fly the coup
adventures begin
love blossoms
mysterys solved
new awareness
time unfolds

i love my moonbeam

2006-04-20T17:34:00.000+10:00

Bettie Page

2006-04-20T11:06:00.000+10:00

this photo was taken in 1954 ( my mum would have been 2 years old!)
things haven't really changed at all!

in the spirit of things...

2006-04-20T09:37:00.000+10:00

dream shoe (but in black of course)

please give a BIG round of applause for....

2006-04-19T21:07:00.000+10:00

AUTUMN.....

3years and 7months today...

2006-04-18T13:21:00.000+10:00

to the love of my life

questions

2006-04-17T22:21:00.000+10:00

how many people read this blog? who reads it and doesn't tell me? are there some people that read this that know that i don't know that they read it? why do people read this blog? isn't it wonderful to be able to be fully expressed? am I fully expressed? am i?
why do my knees sound mushy when they move? is it because of my weight? are my knees bad for some other reason? will the mushyness go away if i loose weight? why hasn't the shin splits feeling left my shins? why are my fingernails so weak? why do they always chip so easily? should i stop wearing nail polish? why doesn't my hair look so great when i colour it myself? why is it sooo expensive to colour dead fibers on my body? why don't i ever feel GREAT? is it emotional? is everything that happens to everyone because of their mind? why isn't it so easy to loose fat? what am i holding onto that won't let me loose it? why do i think that there's something wrong with my body? is it possible that i dwell so much on my body that it will never be right until i accept myself as i am? why do i constantly ask myself that question? don't i know the answer? why is it that sometimes i wish to just be perfect(from eyebrows to body to clothes to shoes to personality...do i have an obsessive compulsive disorder?) and other times i wish i had massive tatoos up my arms and a shaved head? why don't i get massive tatoos? why do i blame my life on everyone else?
why don't i know all the answers now?
maybe i do know all the answers. maybe the answers are within me. but how do i find them? read/learn/ live/meditate. thats what i know to be true.
that i am true. and that i be true to myself. trust myself. why can't i trust myself when it comes to my body? why is it SO HARD to believe that just the way i am right now is perfect....?
see! thats why my blog is so boring. because it's the same questions over and over and over again. imagine what being in my head is like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
am i the only person that thinks like this? do other people have questions that no-one can answer? whats your unanswerable question/s?

damien marley rocks!

2006-04-14T10:31:00.000+10:00

we saw damien marley last night. what an awsome little cockroach he is! dreads down to his knees skanking around the stage full of love and charisma. awsome concert!
but the best concert i'v ever been too...(although...DM was REALLY good) the rolling stones... ROCK! ROCK ROCK ROCK!!!!!!!! had an absolute BLAST!
lac is picking me up in 5 mins to head down to the farm for the night. i'm still in my pjs....

fo'shizzle ma'nizzle

2006-04-10T20:47:00.000+10:00

God turns you from one feeling to another

and teaches by means of opposites,

so that you have two wings to fly, not one. Rumi

i'm seeing the rollingstones tomorrow night.
don't tell lac but it's 27 more days of work till we outta here!
thankyou cbean for setting up links for moi!
check out the sal/lac my space that we've started to blog our trip.
this blog isn't to share with work people lacs family/friends and you know...
but i guess if they read it then so be it!
this blog has turned on it's ass into the most boring waste of time...
or maybe i have...
i have to get 4 fillings
i need to look after my teeth!
lachies stressed about leaving now and doesn't want to be reminded of how long till we go
i'v packed up my whole room and sleep with my shoes on ready to go come sunday 21st of may!
my butt stinks!
my tummy doesn't hurt any more!
but still...
my butt stinks

did i mention i saw snoop dog on saturday night?

my favorite line of his
(if you don't like swearing or crude stuff turn your radio off now)

smoke weed

get drunk

and fuck

southpark sally

2006-04-10T17:28:00.000+10:00

If i was in south park this would be ME!
click here to create your own. it's TOO much fun!

2006-04-05T12:50:00.000+10:00

EMBRACE the idea that life is an opportunity to be, enriched by new experiences.

these days

2006-04-05T06:51:00.000+10:00

yes, these days are so interesting. the pics are at a friends 25th superheros and villians party. i went as cat in the hat undercover...so much fun! i got to dj half the night!!!yay!
i'm neither up nor down. i just am. today is my 33rd last day of work! yay!3 is my lucky number so i hope it's a good day!
i'm struggling with one of my oldest friends right now. why is it that the longer you know someone the more complex the relationship? shouldn't it be the opposite?
what i'm not struggling with right now is moving to london! i had my down period but i'm out of it now. i packed up my whole room on the weekend and it felt SO good!
i'm also struggling with my body right now. whats new?
i truley believe that it's an emotional reason why i'm not loosing weight. i wish i could break through it. what are you struggling with right now?

so that is that! another day in my life...

i GOT it!

2006-03-30T22:54:00.000+11:00

OMG! i got it! i finally finally got my art niche! let me explain...
these little dudes i'v been drawing for years. i LOVE them and now i'm exploring with colour. I LOVE colour! i have been really craving drawing lately and so i found this beautiful leaf on the floor at work. poor leaf! and i felt so inspired to draw it so i carried it home with me (it was so beautiful i wanted to wear it as a brooch) and i sat down and started to draw it. i got soooo impatient and it kept getting further and further away from what i wanted it to look like. it still looks cool but i didn't enjoy drawing it. it was STRESSFUL! (sound like i have ADD??)
Anyway so i sat down with yummy colours and started to draw circles which no doubt turned into my little dudes.
my little dudes have so many stories to tell! when i was away i was drawing my little dudes in so many different standing poses which explained how i felt. i love these because they are tidy quick and perfect. as opposed to drawing a friggen leaf which could take days to perfect. i like QUICK ART!
so there! yay for me! i don't have to draw beautiful classic style like my sisters! i AM creative! but that doesn't mean that i'm like my sisters or my mum(which has always been classified as the only 'creative' in my family)
i can draw cute japanese colourful pictures and be creative! wow! what a release thats been. i almost feel naughty writing that i am creative because i'm just imagining my sisters and mum thinking 'yeah but REALLY you arn't!'
....what do you feel naughty about admiting to the world?

go-nads

2006-03-30T15:00:00.000+11:00

this picture reminds me of all the gonads i saw at the body exhibition...
eek!

lets be honest here...

2006-03-29T17:24:00.000+11:00

ok so i attempted to be interesting in those two last blogs (lets just call them bogs)
to be honest though...i feel sort of boring right now. the picture is the view from my office. it's not very big. i stare at that view for about 50% of my day wishing 5:30pm upon myself. the other half is spent running around for other people or pretending to enjoy filing. the other day was one of myfriends birthdays and i actually made her a card out of a filing folder and filing letter stickers. i'm sure inside she was going 'whooo so much fun...' when she got the card. i guess right now i'm not exercising because i'm 'being gentle' on my body because i feel so run down (heavy heavy period so many ulcers in my mouth it hurts to eat, head coldy) . i'm not eating healthy anymore. i'm in a stuck place with packing up my room. i have the boxes all just sitting by the door waiting to be filled with my stuff but i just can't see myself actually packing my life up as i know it.
i'v been mourning alot lately for my life. crying because i'm leaving my home. my base. no-one has ever told me that it can be a really horrifying experience. now i understand what it must be like when a baby comes out of the womb. AND I HAVEN'T EVEN LEFT YET!!!!
so there...thats whats really going on. i feel half sad, reclusive, fat, and half happy, bouncy, pretty. hehe (a lady at work looked at me for a while and then said 'your so pretty sal' that made my day!)
with such conflicting emotions i'm starting to numb out.
and now it's past 5:30...

coming up shortly i suppose...

2006-03-29T16:59:00.000+11:00

i remember when i turned 19 i was in calgary staying with m-s and her wee family. my birthday was on mothers day and we climbed a snowy mountain for her and for me. ANYWAY she got me to write a list of things i'd like to do in that year of 2002. which got me thinking...it's my birthday soon and i want to write another list.

WHAT I WANT TO DO IN MY 23RD YEAR OF LIFE (or even 24th and 25th years of my life)

learn to sail
get fit
learn chess
live a year full of inspiration and creativity in london
take an art class in london
learn to cook really flavoursome foods
have sex with a girl
hahahahaha!
work on a big fancy yacht somewhere exotic
be generous with my love
send people cards when they least expect it
climb mount kilamonjero
work with underprivaledged kids
propose to lachlan
hahahahaha!
be authentic/real/love
be open to life
explore the world
get a awsome camera and take AMAZING photos
get a tattoo
hahahahahaha!

TBC...

my blog is boring

2006-03-29T16:29:00.000+11:00

like i said...my blog is really boring.
i always have such interesting things to say but never seem to be able to put them onto my computer screen

firstly i would like to point out the differences between lachie and i, as sometimes i think that we are so similar and sometimes (like last night while he was munching loudly on his finger nails i thought 'goodness gracious! we are SO different!'

most obvious difference is that he has a pee pee and i have a wee wee. but i'm sure we all knew that!?
after that they start to get less obvious like-
i crave to live somewhere else...the middle of the city, or right on the beach. lac is so happy in his home above his mothers house right on the bush where it's quiet and he can play with his dogs and eat all his mums food.
i crave change
he fears it
i want to live a crazy boho life full of LOVE INSPIRATION CHAOS LIFE SPONTINEITY PASSION FASHION
lac wants to live a life that is a white picket fence (he might deny this but this is what i think)
SAFE QUIET SAME AS THE WAY HE WAS BROUGHT UP
i am similar to my mum
he is similar to my dad...
COMPLETE opposites!!!

But you can see how these things all complement each other and how PERFECT we really are!? we even each other out. level each other.
umm...yes we are the best!

push the button

2006-03-27T22:22:00.000+11:00

"Be careful how you interpret the world: it is like that." - Erich Heller

hmmm...how do i interpret the world?

i see the world as one big contrast!

it's so big and yet, so small

it's sooo beautiful and wonderus yet, so ugly and dirty

it's nothing and yet it's everything!

i like this quote because 'obviously' i agree.

in the movie 'stealing beauty' the artist said

'don't you know? artists are always only re-creating themselves'

(or something along those lines)

how true how true!
we only see what we want to see, what we want to hear, what we want to do, what we think is right. we are our own realitys.

so if i dwell on the negatives of life then that's my reality.

not a nice/fun/loving/powerful reality

i guess it all comes back to choice...once again...

life is all about choices

when you cut away all the junk every situation is a choice

you choose how you react to situations

you choose how people will affect your mood

you choose to be in a good mood or a bad mood

it's your choice how you live your life!

tonight i got soooooooooooo sucked into celebrity blogs/websites

there was this one website that commented on some teen celebrities doing drugs

(like OMG misha barton from OC)

and there was this massive bitch fight going on between all these people who really cared one way or the other about the comment.

it was eeeeky and i was so sucked into it.

whoa! what was the choice there?

whatever it was it wasn't a powerful one because it made me feel YUK!

and then i went and watched desperate housewives.

eeek save me from the unreality

take me back to my sweet hour on my homemade quilt in my backyard staring at the clouds and the sweet sweet breeze warm and soothing on my cold head.....

(i'm in denial about needing to get to bed)

eep!

2006-03-27T18:25:00.000+11:00

about my today:
i called in sick
my throat is swollen
i'm recovering from a migrain yesterday
i got my period today (in the middle of my month! eek)
i went shopping (eeP)
i bought a purple top
i love purple
i watched 'stealing beauty'
i love 'stealing beauty'
my lover came by after work to 'surprise me' because he knows how much i LOVE it when he does that!xx
i love my lover
i am freaked out so much after going to the 'amazing body exhibition' yesterday.
i saw body sliced long ways, side ways, like steaks...but bodys, i saw lots of gonads, i saw black lungs, i saw tons of blood vessels, i saw skin with no body, body with no skin, eyeballs, eyebrows that had been cut out of the skin and stuck back onto the head and it was ALL REAL. i didn't even want to touch lachie last night because he's a body that thats yucky when there is no soul in it. there was nothing beautiful about it...fascinating...but dead dead dead.

ick!

i ate a steak last night. i tried not to think about it too much. in fact i ended up cutting it up and putting it in a bun. i chewed real quick and swolled without too much thought.
tonight i'm cooking chicken.
hehehe so funny. it's so psycological! i feel 60% freaked out by meat and 40% not so i'm going with the 40% cause it tastes good. (puke puke)

i would like to share what i think to be my favorite blog (after my daily gossip blogs...did i just admit that?????)
www.hulaseventy.blogspot.com
loves it yeah! i discovered it today. i hate getting sucked into the whole blog world but this woman is cool! she is my type of cool. i wish i was cool like her!

now i'm going back to vibing feeling tip top for work tomorrow.
why is it that when i am working days off are sooooo warm and sweet smelling but when i'm not working days off just drrrraaaaaagggg on so?

oscarboscar

2006-03-26T10:03:00.000+11:00

this makes me giggle everytime i look at him...

2006-03-25T13:30:00.000+11:00

from sarks latest letter...

'trust your gut feeling'

Deepak Chopra says that the same nerve endings that are in our brains, are in our stomachs. Only our brains are capable of producing doubt, but not our guts!

yum!

2006-03-25T13:27:00.000+11:00

"plan ahead"

why do we do this when we already have one?

autumn

2006-03-25T12:59:00.000+11:00

the sort of weather we've been having...

BONGJOUR! only 8weeks left till we leave on our big adventure. things are a teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeny bit stressful right now. we STILL haven't completly booked our flights/tours/accom. but we're working on it.

my allergy treatments are going well! i'm starting to feel much better after eating foods. big yays about that! thought i was going to die the other night after having some really potent drops on an empty stomach. but strangely feeling perfectly fine today. tonight is my pal alio's farewell. we plan on living with her in london.

and how am I? well...good. interesting. getting to know myself more all the time. still really having to make the choice everyday to love myself and take care of myself. but it's paying off because i'm so aware moment by moment of who i am for myself and for other people. and theres so much power in that. i'v offered my hands to a woman at work who has bells pallsy (from having shingles), the fibres in her face arn't healing properly and she needs to massage her face 5 times a day. so i said i would do it if she wants me too. thats nice of me innit?!

i went to the physio this morning and was given a bunch of exercises to correct my posture as it SUX the worst ever right now. the lady said that at my age i shouldn't have a hump on my neck like i do so going to work on that and about 84,000 other exercises 3x/day. feels good to know that I am doing this for me and nobody else. it surprises me everyday how much women especially, don't love themselves.

ok...to be honest i'm just blabbing on because i don't want to do the 50million other things that i actually NEED to do so....

CIAO!

happy happy happy day!

2006-03-21T20:11:00.000+11:00

happy birthday marysoup!

although this isn't an amazing photo of either of us,

please take note

the cake, the o.j/vodka, the giggles, the yummy house

ohhh the memories

this woman is like an angel of the earth

and on this birthday

may she have a day like no other

a new day!

xx xx

xxxxxx

xxxxx

xxx

x
i love you!

lachielove, birthday yum!

2006-03-21T08:05:00.000+11:00

the awsomest pavalova EVER!lachies weebro james, lac and ME.

lioness

2006-03-20T17:17:00.000+11:00

Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they've grown up?
Their panther much tighter.

the moon so big!

2006-03-19T21:35:00.000+11:00

GLORIOUS!
that's what my weekend was called!
the sky!
i can't stop looking at the sky!
how am i going to survive in london when the sky is hidden by low grey clouds?
i saw some beautiful sky on the weekend.
see my pics?
i saw grey sky, i saw the sea blend into the sky in greyness, i saw the moon sparkle on the sea, i saw blue blue sky, i saw pale purples, pinks, yellows, oranges in the clouds.
i also saw that i am happy. and that i am happy when i'm not asking myself all the time 'am i happy?'
i love when i said to lachie yesterday when we were cuddling 'i am happy' and he squeezed me tight and said 'i know you are!' yum!
9 weeks till we leave.
WEEKS! not months! whoa! that's going to FLY by!

anotherday in paradise

2006-03-16T16:58:00.000+11:00

yesterday:

i have lumps on my shins

i have sore knees

i can touch the floor with my feet together

i watched 'Garden State' (i relate to this movie so much)

i ate the yuckiest fish ever

today:

another day

i bought my favorite magazine 'RUSSH'

i had a felafel for lunch

i feel fitter then i have in a long time

i haven't lost anyweight

this makes me feel slightly discouraged

but i WON'T give up!

one more day till the weekend

just realised that i forgot to wish my lover a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

for lastsunday!

(on sallydays)

i love you lachie!x

my friend met condoleeza rice today

it's raining

i did filing all day

24mins till i can go home

yep

another day in

PARADISE!

jilly jills free!

2006-03-14T15:10:00.000+11:00

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you,

they're supposed to help you discover who you are".

- Bernice Johnson Reagon -

This is a quote my friend jill sent me. she only JUST got out of hospital with her healing pinky finger. what an amazing woman she is!

and so weird that lachie and i were just talking the other day about how if something really bad happened to you (such as becoming a paraplegic) would you rather die then be one....

i think that as much as loosing your legs or having family members die or having cancer would be the worst thing ever....it could perhaps also be the best thing that happened to you in that you have the oppurtunity other people don't of seeing how easily life is lost. having a heightened sense of presence in your own life. wow! what a gift tragedy gives people!

it's a catch 22.

i remember when i worked at 'emma's secret' in beecroft i used to give this old wise lady pedicures and manicure. mary-jo reeve. i remember her saying 'i hate hearing people say "i want to go and find myself" because you don't need to 'find' yourself you are who you are. you need to be open to new things and learning all the time and as much and as little as you do that is who you are. we are growing all the time.'

i love that. there is so much power in that!

and this is sophie...she is lachies littlest cousin...CUTE!

jenny and me

2006-03-11T13:20:00.000+11:00

saturnday

2006-03-11T13:16:00.000+11:00

i'm feeling wierd today. i'm feeling both up and down today. i booked our tickets today. we leave on the 21st of may. a sunday. we get to san jose on sunday. YAY!
the jeans i bought in london, because my normal ones wouldn't fit...don't fit...boooo!
i got a thai massage today. YAY!
i feel on a ledge right now. riiight on the very very edge of the ledge. like i could fall off at any moment. i do feel strong enough to be holding onto the ledge but i'm afraid of how long i can and if i'll get strong enough to move AWAY from the ledge long enough to get on top of my feelings again. doesn't anyone think that this sounds like depression? is it normal to feel like this? like i'm slowly sinking but still aware of whats going on...?
so strange.
i'm still exercising. but i feel crap alot of the time with all my food issues.
anyway thats where i'm at on this saturday.

dear jenny jen jen

2006-03-09T08:52:00.000+11:00

the loveliest girl in the world choo chooed off on the 6:21 train this morning. as i watched her dissapear i realised that i didn't get to tell her how much she means to me.
ohhhh i love jenny! she's so freakin wise, beautiful, intelligent, insightful, generous, passionate, interesting, loving, kind and gentle.
miss you already jennylove!

pure glamour

2006-03-08T10:08:00.000+11:00

i declare

2006-03-08T08:37:00.000+11:00

today i woke up on the wrong side of bed. i didn't bother going for a walk. i'm wearing weird clothes at work. i was 15mins late. i had toast instead of lots of fruit. my tummy hurts. i constantly fart. my boss expects me to know things that i'v never been told. my hair sux today. i have put on the 2kilos that i lost. i have to spend more money fixing my body. i'm tired.
but hear this declaration...of self esteem...
I am me. In all the world, there is no-one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no-one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because i alone CHOOSE. IT. i own everything about me-my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be, anger, joy, frustration, love, dissapointment, excitment; my mouth and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

me:today

2006-03-03T07:33:00.000+11:00

mumoandbean

Farting queen

long and lean

only 17 (22actually)

whooo ooooooo

singin the

farting queeeeeeen

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMMMMY!

poem for moem:

happy birth-day mum

you know you are the one

who always wiped my bum

rubbed sunscreen on me in the sun

thinks poking is so fun

and cooking is for nuns

love you mummy

and your nose that is so runny!

happy birthday mumo

i hope you have a fantastic sexual demo...ummm...tonight...