i feel a desperate need to put it out into the universe that my heart is aching tonight.
i also feel a desperate need to say - 1hour after i eat i fart and those farts smell exactly like what i just ate 1 hour ago.
pad thai farts tonight.
i'm lonely. bored. desperate to bury myself somewhere that is nowhere and far away from my mess of a life. i am wishing for something GOOD to happen in my life.
i have gone back on the pill today. i've been off it for 2 years and now i'm back on it.
my period is getting too painful for me to bear now and i want good 'fulfilling' sex again.
2 valid reasons.
i hate this feeling i have. of desperation/frustration to be nowhere and everywhere.
i hate ////////// when i type it, in my head i say blah blah 'slash' blah blah. i hate that.
i also hate that i feel like this and i'm listening to coldplay.
i'm going back to my knitting and attempting to go to sleep before 12am.
most likley i'll go to bed at 2am and wake up at 10.23am for coffee with friend and then come back to bed. my favourite place to be right now.
it's been raining for 3 weeks. L has been away for 2. i've been lonely for 1.
back to bed. back to knitting. back to aching heart.

i'm out

i'm going to stick to my guns. believe in myself and not offer any apologies for my previous post. not that it has been requested of me (it hasn't, maybe no-one will talk to me ever again! hehe)
i'v had a really big realisation. the reason i reacted the way i did yesterday is BECAUSE...


i'v always had a little private dream of living overseas far far far away from everything that is my life as i know it. so that i can allow myself to think for myself, be whoever i feel like being and do whatever i feel like doing. essentially i'm doing that with a few compromises ie. i have family and friends all around me and a lover that i will never let go of.
but i know now that what i'm really fighting is this chance to let go of the square that is me and REALLY be who i want to be. no holding back. really believing myself. being completly true to myself and in turn everyone around me.

so i'v decided that this is going to be my last post on this blog...maybe forever...i don't know.
i'll still update with lachie on our travel blog and i'll still be totally commited to checking everyones blogs every chance i get but no more from sallydays at this point in my life. EMAIL me if you want. i'm really the best in the world at correspondence.
lots of love and peace and recycling
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck that shit!

i can understand the frustration of the past two comments in terms of all the things i'v said in this blog over the past year or so. i can understand people freaking out at what i say.
yes it's a crazy bitch that i am obsessed with a skinny ass model, yes it's a crazy biatch that i'm not 'taking the easy quick path to enlightenment'.
but YO! this is my path, this is my life, this is my choice. i love accept and respect yall. just because i'm younger, searching and not so wise doesn't mean theres a space for you to talk to me like i'm a idiot! i'm just not on your path.
i love hearing others point of view. but please don't put your shit on me. because i know i don't put my shit on you.
thank you.

mossy pastures

a tiny bit obessed with kate moss right now and how could i not be? she's in every newspaper and magazine over here. she's an icon. imagine the pressure she'd be under. i wonder what extent of emotional and psycological stress she goes through?

the brick wall...

so i look at all these courses and i immediatly don't think that i can do it. ali defined what i thought was a commitment problem...i don't believe in myself.
it totally makes sense.
that's why i never want to commit to loosing weight. because i don't believe i have the power to come through. whats that about? why don't i believe in myself and how do i turn that around?
i'v come to realise with my relationship with lachie that i believe in this relationship. lachie believes in this relationship. so when one of us is having doubts the other one re-inforces the belief in the other. we make a stand for each other. it's really been quite powerful and i feel so blessed and proud that i'v created that in my life. (i just shed a little tear over that)
so i need to create this in other areas of my life. in all other areas of my life. i just don't believe in myself enough to commit to doing it. so weird that i can say that and still believe that.
i'm starting to get confused now...
i need a breather...

back track

hey nenene thanks for your support! after i wrote that i actually felt REALLY bad. i mean, i don't ever want to be talked down to but at the same time i feel really pissed at myself for being in this situation. it's been a downward spiral since yesterday afternoon. i feel down and frustrated with myself. i just wish i would decide exactly what i want to do in my career, for it to just hit me on the head with a big fat 'YES! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO AND I'M GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN!'
it's not horseheads fault that he's an asswipe.
things i would love to do:
-jewellery design
-fashion buying
-fashion forcasting
-my own business?
-shoe design
maybe i should study jewellery design and then have my own business...?
i'll look into it now...i know they do it at central saint martins school of fashion and design

ewww

theres about 65% of me that really hates this job. what am i doing here? theres about 15% of me that loves it because i can bludge most of the day away on the internet. mmm stimulating and theres about 20% of me that thinks this is good experiance.
yep. answering phones, making tea as soon as the boss walks in, organising parties, arranging the fruit bowl and filing are just a few of the things i can't wait to add to my list of talents after working here. tonight the boss is a bit drunk i think and quite awful in his manner. i feel like i just had my soul sucked out of me. i don't like being talked down to. it's ok i'm writing this only minutes after he talked to me in that way. and fuck him and his horses i'm going home.

day 1

i feel a bit lonely today.
i feel so lucky to have lachie for so many reasons. 1 of them is- i can vent to him at any time day or night. now that he's gone i have no-one to vent to. no-one else in my life that i can go BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to.

:-(

i can't complain

everything has been so amazing and wonderful for me lately. although it's strange in the past week my tummy has gone haywire and has been trying to get everything i eat out of my body asap (painful and embarressing) i have about 3 ulcers in my mouth, and now lachies nan has passed away and he's on a flight tonight back to australia.
i always wonder the depth of everything and everyone.
i wonder why all of a sudden i am feeling run down. i'v been a wide range of foods. i'v been going to bed early. is it just that it's getting colder. people are coughing on the train. is that all it is? or is it something deeper. that i'm unaware of. now that i'v shed a big heavy layer off...was it emotionally exhuasting, thus, i'm feeling run down from all the stress? i read these symptons as stress on my body and that i have to be gentle with myself. so i guess thats all that matters. but it's interesting. i was thinking (in contaxt of an email i got from lovely lisa in the S.C. who's son had the emergency appendix surgery) wondering why and how amazing it is that the body can reject, react to certain things. i wonder the best way to access our bodies on a deeper level to be able to be in control of our body...meditation? or, go with the flow of what goes on in our bodies. the whole love and acceptance path.
on a different subject
i was half watching a show that ali was immersed in last night about a spanish painter who's exhibition in london was being 'observed/critiqued' by an art critique, he was going on and on about these paintings like what he was saying was really what was going on while the painter was creating these 'masterpeices'. which was obviously enrolling and perhaps true. but it seemed that with sooo much story around each peice of art, how much of it can really be true?
speculation.
to me it seems that the art critique is like a metaphor for people in general. like a painting, people present themselves just as they are or how they like to be presented and then other people come along and put them into boxes, stereotypes, stories about who they are and how they live. they judge them, tell them how they could be better, disagree with them dis-like them. and what right do these people have? i hope you know where i'm going with this because i don't. hehe i'm going to simplify

• i don't like art critiques. i think that anything can be good or bad art depending on your point of view. (so random of me to write about this!)
• i'v really taken on in my life that what people say isn't the law, i don't have to take on what they say. it's just a point of view.
• i wonder about depth. and how much meaning can we really put to anything? do you think everything is empty and meaningless or do you think that there are layers and layers and layers to everything?
• what is success to you? ( i would really like to know what everyone who reads this blog thinks 'success' is to them)
• i'm going to miss lachie :-( he is going to miss out on going to brussels with ali and i (his idea) this coming weekend and a road trip to cornwall next weekend. booooooooooo! AND he gets to cuddle scout before i do! BOOOOOOOOO!!

p.s. i'm sorry if this is a super boring meaningless post...i like to write like this to form my p.o.v on things. i'v now got a headache from thinking about stuff so much and from lack of sleep due to stress and sadness and awareness of lachies nan. we light a candle for her to see us down here holding each other in memory of her, last night.

i can feel it...

i really can feel it.

this layer of old skin is peeling off.

it feels good.

the other day i realised that

if i want to be successful in my life i have to know WHAT exactly i want

i find that people who are successful in their lives,

no matter what it is...

know exactly what they want

because they have a clear vision they create what they want in their lives.

i'v always wanted to do this and do that

but what has always made my ears prick up is people talking about running small businesses

how interesting it would be to study and get a degree in business!

this is the first time in my life that i'v seriously considered going to university!

WHOA!

i'v been exercising...

theres no crap around it. i really want to exercise. go for swims and bike rides around richmond park. i'v been so enjoying! lets see where this takes me. i'm up for the challenge.

watch this space...